waking up
by zashaxander
Summary: zanna's fanfiction, turning dreams into 'reality' since 2012... but what happens when it does the opposite? (sideways take on always, because I've fallen in love with writing oneshots now...)


A/N: So the response to my latest oneshot was so stunning and amazing that I'm writing you another one. I'm over the moon that I can try new styles and get so much brilliant feedback from you all, thank you so much, and I hope you like this one too. As with the other one, I don't even know what I'm writing, I'm just starting... Sitting in the nicest coffee shop in the west end and using their free wifi, of course!

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waking up

Her hair was still slightly damp, her long limbs tangled in the clean white sheets. Beautiful. He smiled, he was sure he was dreaming but he didn't care, she was here, she was still here. He could still taste her, bittersweet on his tongue as sunlight streamed into the room, warm on his bare skin. He ran a hand through her hair, then lay back against the pillows. He was falling asleep again, but no matter what, he would always remember this moment... Even if it wasn't real, he would see her again, he had to see her again, he would see her at work and-

"Richard? Richard!"

Castle rolled over groggily to see his mother standing beside his bed.

"Mother..?"

"Sorry for waking you," Martha said, not sounding sorry at all. "But you need to get up."

"I thought you were in the Hamptons..?"

"Alexis called me and I came back. Listen, Richard, I just want to remind you what a wonderful daughter you have, she's so responsible and-"

"Wait, where's Alexis?"

Castle hauled himself out of bed and dragged on his robe over his pyjamas.

"She's in the kitchen. Be _nice_..."

Castle ran a hand through his hair and tried to think of anything other than- A dream. It had been a dream. He gave himself a shake and walked slowly through to the kitchen, where Alexis was sitting at the breakfast bar, her head in her hands.

"Honey, are you okay? I thought you were staying at a friend's after the party?"

Alexis groaned and made another unintelligible sound. Castle looked at his mother for a translation.

"The punch was spiked, everyone was very drunk, so she called me and I came and got her."

"Why didn't you call me?" Castle asked, hurt.

"I did, you didn't pick up..." Alexis mumbled as Martha moved around, getting her granddaughter an aspirin.

"Oh..." His cell must have been on night mode, but it would still rung if Alexis had called more than once. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so deeply he hadn't heard his phone. "Sorry," he said, trying to meet her eyes. She just took her aspirin and staggered up to her room. He was about to follow her but Martha held him back.

"Let her go. You can talk to her later."

"Right..."

Martha gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him she'd be back later. He was left standing in the living room feeling rather lost. He went back to his room to check his phone to make sure he hadn't missed anything else... The apartment was so quiet, too quiet, and the vivid images from his dream flooded his mind. He couldn't believe what he'd said to her, couldn't believe he'd told her they were done. That wasn't love, and it wasn't true. He was still in love with her, no matter what she did. He wished she would stop putting herself in danger, but she wouldn't be her if she didn't stand for what she believed in, if she didn't fight for justice.

He had hurt her more than he ever thought he could... But she had _lied_. She had lied for MONTHS. She had known how he felt but she had LIED. She couldn't be called brave if she didn't even dare to face him, face the truth. He had given her everything but she couldn't even give him honesty. He still didn't know how he felt, but... But in the dream she had... In the dream he had understood.

He sat down on his bed and rested his head on his knees.

"Shit," he muttered. "Shit!" It was louder the second time, almost shouting, and then he couldn't stop. He let out a stream of expletives, swearing at everything, at life, for being so cruel and unfair. For being so cruel to her, and for putting them together when there was no real hope... She clearly didn't feel the same way. If she felt anything towards him at all she would have told him. He'd given her so many chances. He didn't have anything left... Yet still he loved her.

It was almost an hour before he was calm enough to remember his phone; he unlocked it and found he had four missed calls. He remembered declining a call from the precinct the previous evening... He wondered what she had wanted. Three of the calls were from Alexis' phone... And one was from Kate. She had left a message.

He hung up on the call to his answer phone the first time. He didn't want to know. She couldn't be saying what he wanted her to, and even if she was, it was too late. He had to be firm with himself, it would destroy him to cling on to false hope any longer. There might not even be a message – sometimes it just recorded a few seconds of silence... It would do him no good to hear that.

It was about ten seconds before he decided it would be worth listening just to hear a second of her breathing. He missed her, he missed her so much, so much...

_silence... 1... 2... 3... hey, Castle, I... I thought you would answer and then I thought that when you spoke I would know what to say... but you haven't and now... well I'm talking to you, I'm so sorry Castle, I'm so sorry. I... clearly your busy, sorry, you had the graduation, of course, congratulations! I'm sure she was wonderful... uh, maybe talk to you some other time then-_

The beep that ended the message cut her off so abruptly, Castle had been sure there would be more, he hadn't been ready for her to stop speaking-

_silence... 1... 2... 3... hey, Castle, I... I thought you would answer and then I thought that when you spoke I would know what to say... but you haven't and now... well I'm talking to you, I'm so sorry Castle, I'm so sorry. I... clearly your busy, sorry, you had the graduation, of course, congratulations! I'm sure she was wonderful... uh, maybe talk to you some other time then-_

He was more ready the second time, he knew it was coming, but he still didn't want to let her go. He could call her back, he could...

waking up

She was lying on the bathroom floor in her underwear. She liked the bathroom floor, it was cold and hard, solid, real... She ran her fingers over her scar and remembered the bullet slamming into her chest, remembered hitting the ground, remembered

_KATE KATE I LOVE YOU KATE_

everything.

The empty scotch bottle was beside her. The broken chain was in the corner where she had thrown it when she ripped it off; the ring was-

She got up and was blinded for a second as the blood rushed to her head. Where was the ring? She scrabbled around on the floor. It had to be here, the chain was here!

She found it after a few minutes, it had slipped behind the sink. She sighed with relief as she clutched it in her fist. She was shaking, covered in a cold sweat... She caught sight of herself in the mirror and did a double take. She was a wreck. Her hair was tangled, her mascara had run down her cheeks and there were huge shadows under her eyes. Her skin was blotchy and red; she had a cut on her left forearm and she was covered in bruises, all over her torso. She looked down at her hands, they were scratched and bruised; her fingertips were bloody from scraping along...

along the side of the building. Because she had almost died. She had almost died, and all she could think about was him. But he hadn't answered the phone, and she...

She turned on the shower, wincing at the pain in her chest as she reached for the tap.

Half an hour later she padded through to the kitchen wearing an oversized t shirt and turned on her coffee maker. She needed a new filter. She always needed a new filter. She got her phone and before she could change her mind, dialled his number. He answered on the first ring.

"Can you come over?" she asked straight away. She'd had enough. She'd had enough of waiting, of hiding from what she really felt. She would let him choose, but she had to let him because she couldn't give up yet. She had treated him so badly, she had put him through so much, but she had to try. Just once more, she had to try.

She hung up before he answered. She couldn't listen to him saying no. And then she waited.

She got a mug from the cupboard and poured out her coffee. It didn't taste right, he'd gotten her used to the good stuff and nothing else could ever compare...

Her buzzer went.

"Hello?" she said, heart hammering in her chest.

"I was in the neighbourhood, you know, walking, I actually only live about thirty blocks from here and-"

"Castle?" The relief was obvious in her voice, but it was mingled with so much pain and confusion.

"Kate. Are you okay? I was so worried when you called..."

"Sorry, I just..."

"It's okay. You going to let me in or what?"

Kate buzzed him in and put down the handset. He was here. He was _here_. She had thought about him all night, all night, she wanted him more than anything, she-

There was a tap on the door. She took a deep breath, then opened it.

waking up

_Her mouth's on mine before I can get out even one word of the speech I've been preparing all the way over there. It's happening, it's happening, it's the dream, but-_

"Kate, Kate-"

_I push her away, hold onto her shoulders, only now noticing that she's wearing my shirt. And nothing else. My whole body strains against my inner control, but I have to, I can't... _

"Beckett, what do you want?"

_I have to ask, I have to force her to talk to me, to tell me what's going on in her beautiful, beautiful head. Because I have no idea._

"You, Castle. I just want you."

_She leans in to kiss me again and this time I don't have it in me to stop her. I flip us around and slam her against the door, doing what I have dreamed of doing since the day we met... _

waking up

_Bruises. She's covered in bruises, but she's sleeping so peacefully, she has a huge smile on her face, and I can't bear to wake her yet. I force myself to stay awake, though, because this time, I won't let it be a dream. I watch her sleep and it's hypnotic, she's so different without all her walls... I saw it all last night, so different, so much better than how I imagined it. And I've imagined it a lot. _

Kate blinked as she awoke, the sun on her face, her bed warm with the presence of the man who had always been supposed to be with her.

"So it wasn't a dream," she murmured...


End file.
